6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did I show you my penis last night?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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