we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So apparently I’m into choking now
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