im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
