Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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