don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
