you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize