Those balls look pretty dangerous.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
