If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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