Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
as a side note pls kill me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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