my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
