I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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