He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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