so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
