Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
