What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
