One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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