becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
