thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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