The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
