she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
