i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
