you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
