Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
