He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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