There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize