I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just invented taco cereal.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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