I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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