dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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