i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
