On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
