i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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