If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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