Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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