Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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