Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
