can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
