I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
