Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
