Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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