I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize