So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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