evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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