I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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