My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
