I'll bet she douches with gravy.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
