: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
