Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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