He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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