you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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