just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
