The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
