That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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