Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
