she kept yelling 'call me bella'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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