we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
