bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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