Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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