I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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