got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
