Got a toothbrush?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
