My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
