I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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