i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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