when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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