He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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